Ellen McNeill’s been putting this question to people on the Royal Mile, and she’s been overwhelmed by the response.
It seems that most of us have known that very particular pain of being dumped. It’s so intensely shattering that many of us remember it decades later.
“Have you ever been heartbroken?”
What do people do in this situation? Where do they put all that misery? How do they ever move on?
In 2023 singer-songwriter Ellen’s own relationship fell apart. Her world imploded. After a decent interval of grief though, instead of staying under the duvet she decided to make a show about it.
History of a Heartbreak is Ellen’s story.
Alone with her guitar on the stage of Greenside’s intimate Clover Studio, Ellen takes us through the events that have led her to this point. Her parents come from York. The family moved to Connecticut when she was still at primary school and Ellen had to adapt fast. She can still do a mean Yorkshire accent though, as she repeats the life advice dished out by her Dad,
‘Be grateful…be strong, be happy, keep achieving.’
The British way to handle the bad stuff is, she says, to pretend it never happened. On reflection, I think she’s probably right; that stiff upper lip is still perfectly starched, at least among the older generation. When Ellen’s parents announce their intention to divorce, she literally sprints down the street to “outrun emotion”.
In High School Ellen feels judged by the popular girls; now she assumes their superior stances as she voices their patronising, bitchy comments. She soon learns theat the path of least resistance is to be a people pleaser; be easy to be around, be nice, bring people together. Her intuition tries to make itself heard, but she ignores it; in the short term at least, it’s so much simpler to be the person you imagine other people want you to be.
So when Ellen meets a man who makes that compliant person feel good, it’s hardly surprising that she wants more – who wouldn’t? They enjoy an idyllic summer, and even when their relationship has to become long distance for a time, they keep it alive, eventually agreeing to move to Los Angeles together. Romantic, right? And when that insistent little voice of intuition raises doubts,
“I ignored it because I wanted to be wanted.”
Who hasn’t been there? How lovely it is to know somebody needs you, that you’re not alone in this scary world. But do they need you, or do they need the person you are desperately trying to be?
Ellen illustrates her narrative with her own songs, songs that draw pictures for us of how things were back then. She was just 25 when she met her partner, too young for commitment, too scared to pass it by,
“One foot In, one foot out….it’s far too much, too soon…but what if I end up alone?”
In LA the couple set up the perfect home. They hold pizza nights in their garden, organise pop-up concerts that sell out every time. Once again Ellen is creating a community for other people. Once again, she feels disconnected, vulnerable. Those mean girls in her head are still putting her down.
Ellen’s musical career blossoms while inside she withers. Her partner starts to find fault with her. As the songs become sad, raw, emotional, Ellen’s face reflects her misery. She feels stuck, trapped, but has no idea what to do. An evening with some magic mushrooms brings everything to a head. Ellen curls up on the floor of the stage; she’s trying to hide from her demons. How often have we all assumed the foetal position, cradling our hearts, protecting them from the darkness we feel?
Those mushrooms don’t feel very magic at the time, but maybe they are, because as the relationship slowly and excruiciatingly crumbles Ellen notices something strange. Even though, at the very end, she cries for weeks and – as is often the case – mutual friends abandon her,
“Ten break ups for the price of one”
those mean girl voices start to subside. And her old friend intuition takes over,
“the more I listened the louder she got”
And intuition speaks with a Yorkshire accent. Because that’s who Ellen really is.
History of a Heartbreak is a brave interrogation of one woman’s path to growth. The journey wasn’t straightforward, nor was it much fun, but she’s come out the other side, and it was worth it. It’s never easy to be honest with ourselves; almost all of us want to fit the “perfect” template, so accepting that not only will we never do so, we also don’t want or need its toxic, suffocating, pressure, is tough.
Ellen has not only come to terms with her true self, she’s told her story with courage and created an entertaining show that will make you think, and perhaps help the heartbroken (whether their hearts were broken last week, last year, or last century) to feel less alone.
As I left Greenside on Monday, at least three audience members told me how much they had enjoyed the show; that’s quite the endorsement, so catch it while you can.
History of a Heartbreak is at Venue 16, Greenside @ Riddles Court (Clover Studio) at 2.50pm every day until 17 August. Tickets here
