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The Edinburgh Reporter’s resident grump, Mike ‘Victor Meldrew’ Smith has produced this less than useful guide for students who go to Queen Margaret College in Musselburgh and who use Lothian Buses Number 30 service:

Sprawl over your seat, ensuring you’re in a comfortable position to speak to your mate in a similar position in the seat behind you – or in some cases across from you, whichever causes most inconvenience for other non-student passengers.

If you are travelling alone, ensure your bag, haversack, rucksack, tent etc. sits on the seat next to you rather than in the luggage rack at the front of the bus. This will ensure other passengers trying to get to work (look it up in the dictionary if you’re unsure) will have to ask you to move your luggage.
If a passenger does ask you to remove said item, look at him/her with vacant eyes and mouth suitably open. Do not engage in conversation, grunt if need be and ensure they are aware of your anger at the inconvenience they have caused you by requiring a seat.

If an elderly passenger comes on, don’t give up the seat which states it should be a priority for older people. They shouldn’t be out at this time of the day anyway, they’ve got all day to go and collect their pension so don’t give up your seat unless the fascist bus driver instructs you to do so.

In addition to taking up two seats by yourself, ensure your IPod is at full blast, thus creating more discomfort for passengers. A handy tip for female students is to have a most irritating pop song at maximum volume so those passengers who, when they are at home, switch off their radios whenever this ‘song’ comes on are subjected to its full banality.

Make sure your mobile phone is switched on and has a hugely irritating ring tone. Remember to talk as loud and as obtrusively as you can and make as many phone calls as you can to cause maximum annoyance.

If the bus is busy and none of the self-centred passengers will bother to give you and your bag a seat, ignore the signs on the bus and stand at the front of the vehicle. Disregard the instructions from the fascist bus driver to ‘move along to the back of the bus’ and remain at the front, thus ensuring on-coming passengers have to squeeze past you and your haversack to secure a decent standing position.

If you’ve had a particularly heavy evening at the students union the night before, you can belch, burp, fart and exhale disgusting odours at will. This has the added bonus of putting other passengers off the idea of sitting next to you, therefore enabling you to keep your haversack/bag on the seat next to you.

And, finally, when getting off remember to press the bell but don’t move from your seat until the bus has stopped and the fascist driver is anxiously looking over his shoulder trying to ascertain who wants off. This will cause maximum disruption to the driver and his/her passengers making their journey as difficult as possible.

Which is the main aim of you using the bus in the first place….