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Our old man of Leith, Mike Smith, is not one for complaining about being unwell, much…

Here’s his A to Z of not feeling very well. If you recognise the majority of these symptoms, you may need as much help as he does…

A is for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure-I’d rather it was low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L’s for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.

W for worry, now what’s going round?
X is for X ray and what might be found.

Y for another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed and I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed…