Last November we reported on The Cameo’s first Night of Horror. It was such a success that they decided to do it all over again on Saturday April 23. Ali George went along to see if they could beat their own record…
9:18pm Catch bus to Cameo. They’re starting earlier this time, presumably so as to cram in even more horror.
9:57pm Get into auditorium. Massive chunk at the left hand side is reserved. We huff a bit cause the online system was down when we tried to book, then go sit at the front.
10:15pm Organiser Matt starts handing out raffle tickets. Concedes he should probably have done this before people took their seats.
10:26pm Matt Palmer and Ian Hoey give a brief speech in which they say they can’t really say anything in case of spoilers.
10:37pm Giggling curtains, the most terrifying of all the interior décor.
10:39pm Apparently the effects in this were done by someone called Screaming Mad George. He sounds like a card.
10:45pm Billy Warlock needs to put some trousers on. Seriously.
10:50pm DRAMATIC EARRING STING!
11:10pm There’s some classic dialogue in this. Who wouldn’t want to churn out catchphrases like, “mean machine, jelly bean!”
11:15pm Protagonist just fell for the old “Meet me at a creepy place on your own in the middle of the night” trick. This won’t end well.
11:35pm: So, apparently the rich literally eat the poor in Beverly Hills?
11:40pm: “D’you think this is what the Bullingdon Club get up to at their meetings?”
12:00 Well. That’s the best turning someone inside out ending I’ve ever seen…
12:18am Trailer: DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE!
12:20am Trailer: DON’T GO NEAR THE PARK!
12:22am Trailer: DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT!
12:24am Which has eyeballs exploding before we even get as far as the opening credits. Cool.
12:30am Hm. This is going to be one of those films where you spend the whole time going “Oh no, don’t do that!”
1:15am How has the security guard not been sacked yet? Possibly because everyone with the authority is dead…
2:05am Fail to win a really cool limited edition Evil Dead poster in the raffle. Cry.
2:15am Next up, Flesh for Frankenstein.
2:16am Guy next to us: “I didn’t sign up for Andy Warhol!”
2:20am Baroness Frankenstein introduces herself with the line:- “Carrying on inside my wagon, are you?” Only very immature people snigger.
2:35am The Baron is obsessed with finding ‘ZE PERFECT NASUM’ for his creature. His plan is to get his ‘zamby’ man and lady to make the beast with two backs in order to create perfect undead children who will answer only to him. Ethical? Not as such.
2:40am This leads him to stalk a couple of likely lads down to the local sauna. One is a randy sod, the other wants to become a monk. The Baron wants the former to father his weird zombie kids, but which one will he kill…
3:05am Contender for best line of the film from the Baroness:- “How DARE you wake me up in the middle of the day?” Rich people, eh.
3:25am Is this a spleen I see before me?
4:05am Angry Soprano: “Why should I have to be on stage with a bird who hates me?” It’s a valid point.
4:15am “If something like this happens again I’ll take my ravens and leave!” – Yeah! Fight the power, raven exposition man!
4:45am In all seriousness, what happened to Argento as a kid? Did he have some sort of very boring but traumatic experience involving a murderer with no obvious motivation?
5.05am Alan the policeman is the least Alan-y Alan who ever Alan-ed. Fact.
5:20am It’s the return of raven exposition man! “Ravens are very vindictive,” he explains sagely. This explains nothing.
5:36am As with Suspiria, they’ve put a ridiculously loud soundtrack over this so that people can’t fall asleep however hard they try. Mean.
5.50am Gratuitous Alp scene. How is this not over yet?
6am “I’m not like other people. I like butterflies.” Oh, for goodness sake.
6:45am “Your mother ate my dog!”
6:46am “Not all of it…”
7:55am The lawnmower scene is a lot longer than I remember.
8am Long enough to make you think, “that wouldn’t happen if you attacked a zombie with a lawnmower.”
8.20am It is done. And a lot more people have made it to the end than last time. But I don’t have time to stand around congratulating them, there’s power napping to be done. Till next time…