A Health and Safety guide to Christmas carols

The Edinburgh Reporter’s Mike Smith has worked in human resources and offers this health and safety guide to Christmas Carols. Although we suspect he’s had one or two sherries beforehand…

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore, faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Disclosure Scotland check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.

Jingle Bells – Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O ‘er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equality Act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts, we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘ cash for gold ‘ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to donate to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed –
This is definitely one for Social services…

Merry Christmas everyone…..